PASADENA, Calif. — It’s New Year’s Eve, and look what I found: All your heroes from the sports page, gathered together to toast 1992.
Will you please rise and state your resolution:
“I, Charles Barkley, resolve never to insult anyone again, especially those stupid reporters.”
“I, Andre Agassi, resolve to wear shirts that reach my waist.”
“I, Bryan Murray, resolve to get some help for goalie Tim Cheveldae.”
“I, Tim Cheveldae, (yawn) . . . zzzzzz . . .”
“I, Jack Morris, resolve to stay in Toronto . . . at least until the check clears.”
“I, Bo Jackson, resolve to play something.”
“I, Karl Malone, resolve to keep my elbows out of other people’s eye sockets.”
“I, Isiah Thomas, second that resolution.”
“I, Desmond Howard, resolve to keep this smile on my face — no matter how many times they ask me the same question.”
“I, Barry Sanders, mmmmm mmmm mmm.”
“CAN’T HEAR HIM! WHAT’D HE SAY?”
“I, Wilt Chamberlain, resolve to be more choosy.”
“I, Bill Parcells, resolve to be less choosy.”
“I, Brent Musburger, resolve to be less cheezy.”
“I, Dick Vitale — TIME OUT, BABEE! — resolve to speak — AWESOME, BABEE!
— a little more quietly.”
“I, Carl Lewis, resolve to get through this next Olympics without any stupid statements, or my makeup kit.”
“I, Michael Jordan — uh, you may be seated — resolve to think of myself as an average guy, even though we all know I’m not.”
“I, Horace Grant, resolve to think of Michael as an average guy, even though I know he’s a yutz.”
“I, Phil Jackson, resolve to stay out of it.”
“I, Chuck Daly, wish I had such problems . . .” Charles, the spittin’ image
“I, Charles Barkley, resolve never to spit on anyone, especially not — ptew! — those stupid fans.”
“I, Stefan Edberg, resolve to have a personality implant.”
“I, John McEnroe, volunteer to give him my personality in exchange for his
*& percent(at)*cents serve and volley.”
“I, Ted Turner, resolve never to chop.”
“Me, too, Snookums.”
“OK, Jane.”
“I, George Steinbrenner, resolve to return.”
“We, Yankees fans, resolve to disappear.”
“I, Rodney Peete, resolve to get my job back.”
“I, Joe Montana, resolve to get my job back.”
“I, Buddy Ryan, resolve to get a job.”
“US FIRST!”
“Thank you, Sam, Lindy, Chuck, John, Dan . . . “
“I, Deion Sanders, resolve to surgically separate myself from Hammer.”
“I, Hammer, resolve to show up at every sports event next year, not just the ones with high ratings.”
“I, Greg Norman, resolve to never, ever, ever choke agai- AGGGGH!
“I, Andre Ware, resolve to live up to my potential for one season.”
“I, William Bedford, resolve to live up to my potential for one night.”
“I, Jerry Ball, resolve to haunt Brad Baxter every damn day of his damn football career.”
“I, Brad Baxter, retire immediately.”
“I, George Foreman, resolve to mmmphhh . . . chomp . . . urrp!”
“I, Don King, the GREAT Don King, the MAN who put BOXING back into the HOMES OF AMERICA, and for ONLY $39.95, I, the GREAT one, resolve to —
“SHUT UP!”
“Huh?” And Charles, the author
“I, Charles Barkley, resolve never to write another autobiography without getting my facts straight.”
“I, Gary Moeller, promise to say something interesting if we win the Rose Bowl.”
“I, Steve Fisher, promise to coach my kids and not vice versa — hey, Chris, come on, I said, no shooting. . . .”
“I, Rickey Henderson, resolve to go an entire spring training without bitching about something.”
“I, Jose Canseco, will believe it when I see it.”
“I, Monica Seles, resolve to play in the Wimbledon final — unless Michael Bolton has a concert that night.”
“I, John Daly, resolve to see where one of my balls lands.”
“I, Jerry Tarkanian, resolve to — aw, you’re not gonna believe me anyhow.”
“I, Sergei Fedorov, resist in speak to better English year in coming.”
“I, Bo Schembechler, resolve to give up this dumb baseball business and go back to being a legend.”
“I, Jimmy Connors, resolve to NUPE that stupid NUPRIN commercial.”
“I, Wayne Fontes, promise to behave a little more low- keyed next time they stick me on Monday Night Football.”
And I, the columnist writing this column, resolve to give you all a fair shake next year.
“THANK YOU!”
You’re welcome. Try not to screw it up.
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