REGIS: Welcome to the show, folks. It’s time to play “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” And our first contestant is a Canadian man who claims to know nothing about hockey. His name is Dwight. Hello, Dwight.
DWIGHT: Hello, Regis.
REGIS: You know how the game is played, Dwight. We start with easy questions for small money, and we work up to $1 million.
DWIGHT: Wow!
REGIS: Could you use that?
DWIGHT: You bet. My snowplow’s broken.
REGIS: All right, Dwight, here’s your first question.
No. 1. In the historic Red Wings-Avalanche rivalry — which resumes tonight — who is considered “the spineless, gutless turtle?”
A. The ref.
B. Donatello — of the Ninja Turtles.
C. Claude Lemieux.
D. The Octopus.
DWIGHT: I’ll go with C. Claude Lemieux.
REGIS: I thought you said you didn’t know hockey.
DWIGHT: Well, come on, Reeg, everyone knows that one.
REGIS: Is that your final answer?
DWIGHT: Oh, yeah.
REGIS: Claude Lemieux is correct! Congratulations. You’ve won $100. On to the next question.
No. 2. Which of the following NEVER fought Patrick Roy?
A. Mike Vernon.
B. Chris Osgood.
C. The entire Montreal coaching staff.
D. Hulk Hogan.
DWIGHT: I’ll go with D.
REGIS: Is that your final answer?
DWIGHT: Yes, sir.
REGIS: D is correct. You’re on a roll, my friend. Let’s go to the $400 level.
No. 3. Comparing the Wings to the Avalanche is like comparing:
A. Bruce Springsteen to Neil Diamond.
B. Mother Teresa to Godzilla.
C. Cheech to Chong.
D. An established franchise to a Johnny-join-the-league-lately franchise.
DWIGHT: Hmm. Can I use a lifeline?
REGIS: Sure. Who are you going to call?
DWIGHT: I’d like to call Mickey Redmond, the Red Wings announcer.
REGIS: All right …let’s get him on the phone …(ring). Hello, is this Mickey?
REDMOND: Yes. Would you like to book a tour?
REGIS: Uh …no. This is Regis Philbin from “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” Dwight here needs help, Mickey. What’s the answer to this question: Comparing the Wings to the Avalanche is like comparing …
REDMOND: God and the Devil?
REGIS: Heh-heh, that’s not one of the-
DWIGHT: Never mind, Regis. I’ll go with D.
REGIS: Is that your final answer?
DWIGHT: Yes.
REGIS: D is right! Congratulations! Because you’re doing so well — and because this column has only so many inches — we’re going to jump right to the $500,000 question. Are you ready?
DWIGHT: I sure am.
REGIS: OK. Answer this one:
No. 4. The reason the Avalanche moved to the new Pepsi Center from McNichols Arena is:
A. McNichols was condemned by the Health Dept.
B. It’s hard to play hockey without lights or ice.
C. McNichols served Coke.
D. It’s closer to John Elway’s house.
DWIGHT: Hmm. Can I use my other lifeline?
REGIS: Sure. Who are you going to call?
DWIGHT: I’d like to call John Elway.
REGIS: All right …let’s dial here …(ring). Hello? Is this John?
ELWAY: Uh, yeah. Who’s this?
REGIS: This is Regis Philbin, and Dwight here wants to use you for a lifeline on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”
ELWAY: How’d you get this number? (Click!)
REGIS: Sorry, Dwight. He doesn’t want to help.
DWIGHT: That’s OK. I know the answer. I just wanted to hear John Elway’s voice.
REGIS: Well then, what’s the answer?
DWIGHT: B. No lights or ice.
REGIS: That’s correct! Congratulations. We’re now up to the final question. This is for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here it is:
No. 5. The only reason the Avalanche beat the Red Wings in last year’s playoffs is:
A. Chris Osgood was hurt.
B. Igor Larionov was hurt.
C. Valeri Kamensky came back.
D. We let them win.
DWIGHT: That’s easy, Reeg. It’s D. We let them win.
REGIS: Is that your final answer?
DWIGHT: Yes.
REGIS: Oooooh, I’m so sorry. The answer is A.
DWIGHT: No it isn’t.
REGIS: I beg your pardon?
DWIGHT: It’s D.
REGIS: Uh, I know you’re upset, Dwight, but the answer is …HEY! PUT THAT STICK DOWN!
DWIGHT: IT’S D, YOU BLOWHARD!
REGIS: You’re not Dwight! You’re …Darren McCarty!
DARREN: That’s right! Now gimme my million dollars — or $3 million Canadian.
REGIS: OK! OK! But at least tell me who’s going to win the series this time?
DARREN: Is that your final question?
REGIS: I promise.
DARREN: Wings in six. And tell Elway I’m posting his number on the Internet.
Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or albom@freepress.com. Catch “Albom in the Afternoon” 3-6 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760).
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