* San Francisco 26, Lions 20: The way to beat the 49ers is with a ball-control style that keeps their offense off the field. The Lions have what they need to do this — unfortunately, his name is Barry Sanders.
* Denver 14, Chicago 13: The bad news for the Bears is that Jim Harbaugh suffered a hand injury — unless you’re a Bears fan, in which case that’s the good news.
* Dallas 28, New York Jets 17: You want to know what’s wrong with the NFL this year? The Jets haven’t scored a touchdown in 3 1/2 games — and they’re still winning.
* Atlanta 19, Washington 10: News flash from Atlanta: Deion Sanders tried sleeping for the first time in his life. And he liked it.
* Buffalo 21, Miami 17: Jim Kelly went to college in Miami. They’re still cleaning up the beer cans.
* Houston 20, Pittsburgh 17: Oilers. Steelers. Sounds like an industrial-waste game.
* LA Rams 2, Cincinnati 0: Better to visit the proctologist than to watch this game.
* Green Bay 19, Minnesota 10: The Packers have guys named Edgar Bennett and Sterling Sharpe. Is this the NFL or “Masterpiece Theatre?”
* Cleveland 19, New England 10: After their stunning victory over the mighty Cincinnati Bengals last week, I thought Bill Parcells would give the Pats the rest of the season off.
* Seattle 20, Phoenix 10: After watching the Cardinals play last week, it’s no wonder basketball is the biggest sport in Phoenix.
* Kansas City 13, San Diego 6: It’s supposed to snow in Kansas City this week. Joe Montana says, “Hey, this wasn’t in my contract!”
* LA Raiders 14, Tampa Bay 9: The cocoa butter bowl.
* Philadelphia 13, Indianapolis 6: The news this week was that Randall Cunningham won’t make it back this season. The news should have been: Why did he want to?
* New York Giants 20, New Orleans 14 (Monday night): This year, Jim Mora’s collapse came before the off-season.
* Best pick last week: Green Bay 20, San Diego 14 (Packers won, 20-13).
* Worst pick last week: Chicago 17, Tampa Bay -3 (Buccaneers won, 13-10).
* Record last week: 8-6.
* Record vs. spread: 8-4-2.
* Season record: 119-63.
* Season vs. spread: 87-90-5.
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