Gee, Curt, another Super Bowl, and here you are, picking a team from Niagara Falls. How appropriate, since every year in this debate you crawl into a barrel and hurl yourself into the water. Splash! Another loser. I don’t want to bring up last year, Curt, when you actually picked Denver to beat San Francisco, and it turned out to be the worst blowout of all time, or the year you picked Denver to beat Washington, which turned out to be, what, the second-worst blowout of all time, or the year you picked New England — and that mighty Patriot missile Tony Eason — to beat the Chicago Bears, which turned out to be, what, the third-worst blowout of all time?
I don’t want to bring those up.
But I will.
And I’ll tell you why. I detect a pattern here, Curt. The pattern is this: You are getting senile.
Buffalo? Curt. Have you been drinking the fish tank water again? Buffalo? To win the Super Bowl? Think about how that sounds. “Buffalo wins the Super Bowl.” It’s right up there with “Lions sign No. 1 pick before training camp.”
Wait. Don’t tell me. Here’s why you’re picking the Bills: You see Jim Kelly come to the line without a huddle and call his own plays. And you think,
“Wow! How new! How innovative! I gotta pick this team!”
Come on, Curt. In the old days of football — when you were in your 60s — all quarterbacks called their own plays. It was no big deal. Fact is, the no-huddle is about as “new” as the forward pass. And you remember when the forward pass was invented, Curt. You covered that story.
Listen, my silver-haired friend. You got the right state but the wrong city. New York. As in Giants. They will win with brute defense. With a grind-it-out offense. Let me ask you something: If the 49ers were here, wouldn’t you be picking them to win? Of course you would, because last year you didn’t, and it was four months before you could leave your house.
So learn something: If the Giants are good enough to beat San Francisco, don’t you think they can handle Buffalo and their dancing defensive end Bruce Smith? (By the way, Curt, I saw you at the bar last night, doing that Bruce Smith dance on the table while trying to balance a beer can on your nose. Those flight attendants were really impressed. They said so on the way out.)
But then dancing was never your thing, Curt, not since leisure suits went out of style. And predictions aren’t your thing, either. I know you’re real proud of that thank-you note John Elway sent you for being the only idiot in the country to pick the Broncos last year. And as long as you insist on going with the Bills this Sunday, you better make room for another thank-you note, from their 62-year-old coach, Marv Levy.
Which should make you very happy, since you used to coach his Little League team.
Happy splashdown.
New York 24, Buffalo 14.
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