We are one-eighth of the way through the NFL season. Therefore it is time for a mini-quiz to see how many of you are really watching, and how many of you are just playing Pigskin Payoff. Ready?
1. Which of the following players is still holding out?
A. Keith Jackson.
B. Janet Jackson.
C. Eric Dickerson, sort of.
2. Who is the starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers?
A. Anthony Dilweg.
B. Anthony Michael Hall.
C. Anthony Who?
3. How much better are the 49ers than everybody else?
A. A whole lot better.
B. Unbelievably better.
C. Joe Montana.
4. Which of the following wants to be traded?
A. Bobby Hebert.
B. Eric Dickerson.
C. Anyone whose contract is about to expire.
5. How many players are healthy on the Detroit Lions’ defense?
A. Five.
B. Four.
C. How many do we need on the field?
How’d you do? Good. Now we get to the hard questions: Who’s going to win. This week’s picks . . .
* TAMPA BAY 30, LIONS 21: By halftime, Wayne Fontes may be walking through the stands asking, “Can you play defense? Can you play defense?”
* GREEN BAY 31, KANSAS CITY 30: Gee, that was a pretty short career for Anthony Dilweg, wasn’t it?
* CHICAGO 16, MINNESOTA 10: Jim Harbaugh has won two in a row as quarterback for the Bears. Pretty soon he’ll be wearing a headband and sunglasses.
* WASHINGTON 28, DALLAS 10: Cowboys and Redskins. They should be playing this on horseback.
* HOUSTON 23, INDIANAPOLIS 16: The Colts will try to keep Jeff George in an upright position.
* CLEVELAND 20, SAN DIEGO 10: The Browns try to keep Bernie Kosar in an upright position.
* CINCINNATI 27, NEW ENGLAND 20: As Steve Grogan celebrates his 87th birthday.
* NEW ORLEANS 17, PHOENIX 12: The Saints haven’t scored a touchdown yet this season. Hey, guys. What are you waiting for?
* SAN FRANCISCO 20, ATLANTA 14: Why don’t we let the Falcons play the 49ers every week? That way, Jerry Glanville would shut up.
* LA RAMS 21, PHILADELPHIA 17: It’s amazing how Keith Jackson can do the color commentary on ABC on Saturday and play football on Sunday.
* LA RAIDERS 20, PITTSBURGH 16: Pretty soon, Art Shell is going to make his guys play with knives in their teeth.
* NY GIANTS 28, MIAMI 14: These two teams haven’t played in 18 years. Mr. Taylor, meet Mr. Marino. He’s the one with the Isotoner gloves.
* DENVER 34, SEATTLE 10: Somebody better wake up the Seahawks and tell them the season has started.
* BUFFALO 33, NY JETS 21 (Monday night): From one end of New York to the other, and neither one of them can play exciting football anymore.
* Last week’s record: 11-3.
* Against the spread: 8-6.
* Season record: 20-8.
* Season vs. spread: 12-16.
* Best pick last week: Raiders 24, Seattle 10. (Raiders won, 17-13).
* Worst pick last week: Philadelphia 35, Phoenix 9 (Cardinals won, 23-21).
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