Although baseball has tried to cut in on our fun, Friday is reserved for football office hours. And the doctor is in.
Hey, Dr. Football. Start me up!
Is that you, Mick Jagger?
No, it’s me, Johnny Manziel!
Sorry. You’re about the same size.
Didn’t you hear? I’m starting this week! My destiny is finally being fulfilled!
Uh-huh.
Don’t you think I’m heading for stardom?
Let’s see. Overhyped Heisman winner (Andre Ware) who is undersized (Charlie Ward), relies on his running (Tim Tebow) and dropped low in the draft (Troy Smith) joins struggling franchise (Matt Leinert) and is supposed to be a savior (Sam Bradford). What could possibly go wrong?
You’re just hating on Johnny Football.
For the last time: You are not my son.
Hey. Dr. Football. Is Ndamukong Suh’s agent really going to decide where he goes next?
Sure. Right after Suh tells him.
Is Suh being too cute?
Anyone that size cannot use that word.
Do you think Suh will return to Detroit?
I think any player who starts telling people to blame his agent is already looking to cover his tracks. And those tracks lead out of town.
I did not do Discount Double Check! I did not do Discount Double Check!
Calm down, Stephen Tulloch.
Just blame the Wolverines
Hey, Dr. Football. Do you do legal work?
State your case.
We’re TCU. We were ranked third in the nation. We won our last game, 55-3. And we got bounced down to No. 6 and out of the College Football Playoff. Who can we sue?
No one if you’re called the Horned Frogs.
But it’s blatantly unfair.
It is. You got jobbed. If the Ohio State Buckeyes were so impressive, why weren’t they in the top four the week before? Oh, that’s right. They were playing Michigan.
So we have a case?
You have a case. Enjoy drinking it at the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl.
Dr. Football. Mind if I sit down?
Make yourself comfortable, Jim Harbaugh.
I’m all confused. Michigan wants me. But it’s college. Oakland wants me. But it’s Oakland. Indiana wants me. Lord I can’t go back there.
Huh?
Sorry. I was singing. What should I do?
Take the Michigan job.
Really?
It will never be as appealing. It will never be as ready to worship you. It will never be as quick to throw money at you. And Oakland is Oakland. Yuck!
Thanks. How much do I owe you?
I’ll get it from your brother. He’s next.
Always wear matching socks
Hey, Dr. Football. It seems a given that Jameis Winston will go pro. How much green will he be seeing?
Plenty when Florida State plays Oregon.
Who’s going to win that game?
If there’s any justice in the world, TCU.
Yo, Doc. What do you think of Glover Quin’s detailed suggestion for revamping the Pro Bowl voting?
It still won’t get him in. But nice try.
What did you think about the NFL not fining Reggie Bush for wearing a protest T-shirt?
It thought it was fine. Now if the NFL can do away with fines for not having your shirt tucked in, we’ll really have a progressive league.
Can you believe it? We got Cespedes!
That’s Dr. Baseball.
Oh. Sorry. When does he get in?
March.
Hey, Dr. Football. The NFL’s new personal-conduct policy says that, “We must show respect for others inside and outside our workplace.” What does that mean?
It means those Buffalo players should have dropped Jim Schwartz.
Yo, Doc. Did you see where Lions tight end Joseph Fauria went on injured reserve for the rest of the year?
Yes.
What do you think?
That “Dancing With the Stars” is safe for now.
OK, I’m back. Are you really not gonna come to my first start, Dad?
Sit down, Johnny Football. We have to talk …
To send a question for Dr. Football next week, contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. Check out the latest updates with his charities, books and events at MitchAlbom.com. Catch “The Mitch Albom Show” 5-7 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760). Follow him on Twitter @mitchalbom.
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