Before I share my “exclusive” interview with Brad and Angelina’s baby, let’s talk price. I want $4 million. Same as they reportedly got for the photos. Anybody can point and shoot a camera. It takes a special person to speak Goo Goo.
So we’re agreed? And cash, no checks. Meanwhile, here’s a little sample from my Blockbuster Scoop of the Year:
“So, little Shiloh, let me be the first to verbally welcome you to the world. How does it feel to be the most famous infant since Jesus?”
“Are you my dad?”
“Uh, no. He’s the guy over there by the mirror, making sure his T-shirt is tight enough.”
“Are you my mom?”
“Uh, no. She’s the one in the low-cut tank top, making sure nobody photographs her below the chest.”
“Who are all those other people?”
“Just people who love you.”
“Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents?”
“Agents, managers, security guards.”
“Where am I?”
“Namibia.”
“Wow. I’m African.”
“Uh, not exactly. Your mother’s from L.A. and your father’s from Oklahoma.”
“So why am I in Namibia?”
“Your parents felt it was safer.”
“Am I in trouble? I just got here!” So what’s in a name?
“Let’s shift gears. Can you tell us, Shiloh, do you plan to be an actress?”
“Will they give me milk?”
“I suppose.”
“Then I’ll be whatever you want.”
“Who do you think you look like, your mom or your dad?”
“Um, which is which, again?”
“Those two. Standing behind the microphones. The one with the short hair is your father.”
“What’s his name?”
“Brad Pitt.”
“Cool. So I’m Shiloh Pitt?”
“Well, no, you’re Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.”
“You’re joking.”
“No. Your mother’s last name is Jolie – even though her father’s last name is Voight – and so your last name is a hyphenate.”
“Why didn’t they pick one name when they got married?”
“Um they’re not married.”
“Oh, GREAT! Like going to school wasn’t gonna be hard enough!” The fine art of acting
“Now, tell us, Shiloh-“
“What does Shiloh mean?”
“It’s Hebrew.”
“I’m Jewish AND African?”
“No. Your parents liked the name. It means peaceful one. Or messiah.”
“Great. No pressure there.”
“How do you like the fuss over you?”
“Yeah. All these people are taking my picture. Why is that?”
“Because mom and dad are actors.”
“What do actors do?”
“Fake emotions to move people.”
“Big deal. I got that down already. Watch. WAAAHHHHHHH! See. They give me milk just like that.”
“Impressive.”
“Besides, I pretty much look like every other baby. What’s the big deal about me? I haven’t even chewed anything yet.”
“You’re famous.”
“What’s famous?”
“It’s what we all want to be!”
“Hmm. If you say so. Right now, I want to be something else.”
“What’s that?”
“Dry. Do you smell something? Ohmigod. Is that me? Yyucck …”
“And that wraps up our exclusive interview with Shiloh, the most important baby on the planet. Thank you, baby, for your time.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“What’s that?
“Can I go back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“In that case WAHHHHH!”
Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or malbom@freepress.com. Catch “The Mitch Albom Show” 5-7 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760).
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