You can’t buy a ticket to the Academy Awards. You must be invited. So I have been waiting. I check the mailbox every day. Nothing. And since the awards are tonight, I’m assuming once again, through no fault of my own, that I am not on the list.
But this year, I am doing something about it. I am holding my own Oscars.
That’s right. I have decided that, with the exception of Jennifer Lopez’s dress, whatda they got that I ain’t got?
Besides, I always felt there were too few categories in the Oscars. You can’t mix the comedy with the drama. You can’t compare “Austin Powers” with “Erin Brockovich” (although you can compare “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” to a pile of rocks).
So, if I can have a drumroll please, allow me to award this year’s Oscars for the films of 1999, based on scientific voting, a poll of one person, me.
First off, there should be an Oscar for “Film We Were Sick of Before It Ever Came Out, And Even Sicker After We Saw It.” That Oscar goes to …”Eyes Wide Shut.” (“Yaaaaay!” the crowd cheers.)
There should be an Oscar for “Film in Which You Most Wanted to Kill the Lead Character With Your Bare Hands.” That Oscar goes to …”The Blair Witch Project.”
There should be an Oscar for “Come On, Don’t You Folks Feel Stupid Sitting Three Months in Line for That Piece of Bird Poop?” That Oscar goes to …”The Phantom Menace.”
And there should be an Oscar for “I Slept, But My Kids Loved It.” That Oscar goes to …”Pokemon, The First Movie.”
We pause now for a musical number . . .
Where are Linc and Julie?
OK. We’re back. There should be an Oscar for “Favorite Villain.” That Oscar goes to …Dr. Evil in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.”
There should be an Oscar for best hockey movie. That award goes to “Mystery, Alaska.”
There should be an Oscar for worst hockey movie. That Oscar goes to
…”Mystery, Alaska.”
There should be an Oscar for “I Really Didn’t Get It But I Don’t Want to Look Stupid So I’ll Just Say It Was Brilliant.” That Oscar goes to …”Being John Malkovich.”
There should be an Oscar for “Same Movie As Last Time, Only a Different Title.” That Oscar goes to …Arnold Schwarzenegger in “End of Days.”
There should be an Oscar for “Gee, If I Knew I Was Going to See It 9,000 Times on Video, I Never Would Have Paid Eight Bucks.” That Oscar goes to …”The Matrix.”
There should be an Oscar for “Best Proof That in the Movies a Man Can Be 108 Years Old And Still Have Sex With a Yuppie.” That Oscar goes to …Sean Connery in “Entrapment.”
There should be an Oscar for “Best Gangster You Really Wish Was in the Mafia.” That Oscar goes to …Billy Crystal in “Analyze This.”
There should be an Oscar for “Did That Film Come Out Yet?” The Oscar goes to
…”The Mod Squad.”
We pause here for another musical number, followed by some really cheesy dialogue between Patrick Swayze and Rosie Perez …
Head and shoulders above the rest
There should be an Oscar for “I Think I Liked It, Except the Frogs.” That Oscar goes to …”Magnolia.”
There should be an Oscar for “He Wasn’t That Great When He Was Alive, Why Make a Movie About Him When He’s Dead?” That award goes to …”Man on The Moon.”
There should be an Oscar for “Best Use of Flying Bugs and Mice.” That Oscar goes to …”The Green Mile.”
There should be an Oscar for “They Said It Was Like ‘Jaws,’ But It Wasn’t.” That Oscar goes to …”Deep Blue Sea.”
There should be an Oscar for “Best Actor to Earn $20 Million for Urinating.” That Oscar goes to …Adam Sandler in “Big Daddy.”
There should be an Oscar for “Quick, the Other Stuff’s Not Working, I Better Go Back to a Baseball Movie.” That Oscar goes to …Kevin Costner in “For the Love of the Game.”
And finally, although I don’t think it’s fair to throw all movies into the same category, I will do so for the sake of unity. The Oscar for “Best Actor in a Motion Picture” goes to …Mr. Potato Head in “Toy Story 2.”
Hey. He pulled his ears off and stuck ’em back on. Let’s see Kevin Spacey do that.
Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or albom@freepress.com.
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