HEY, LISTEN UP, 2010! THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN – AND NEW RULES

It’s a new decade, and if I ruled the world – and somehow, once again, I do not – these would be the new rules for 2010:

•No more vampires.

•Jon + Kate = gone.

•All airplane seats are twice as wide.

•And twice as deep.

•All adults must teach at least one child – besides their own – to read, until there is no more illiteracy.

•If there’s not at least 10 chips in a chocolate chip cookie, they go back and put in more.

•The following phrases are outlawed from our vocabulary: “totally,””I heard that,””you go, girl,” and “hello, I’m Ryan Seacrest.”

•No government bill can exceed one page.

•Everyone who is called a “celebrity” must come before a panel, explain why they are a “celebrity” and be forced to listen to endless laughter.

•Deposits. Withdrawals. Give interest. That’s all banks get to do.

•Bye-bye, Facebook. A directive for Tiger, too

•All politicians are gone after two terms.

•Lobbyist is no longer a profession.

•Every candidate gets the same amount of money, the same free TV spots and the same number of days to campaign.

•Teaching must be a top-five-paying job.

•Coffee shops must have two lines: one for the foo-foo-caramel-mocha-half-caf-double-shot-foamy-latte stuff, and one for people who want a cup of coffee.

•Wrap it up, Harry Potter.

•The Yankees must go five years without stealing anyone else’s players.

•Tiger Woods cannot do “Oprah.”

•New rule: You can’t play “Guitar Hero” until you learn how to actually play a guitar.

•Good-bye, Simon Cowell.

•Anyone snapping a stranger’s photo with a cell phone must pay that person whatever he or she asks.

•We all agree, and I mean everyone, that Michael Jackson was not the Lord.

•If a restaurant tells you “10 minutes” and 30 minutes later, you’re still standing there, you can go into the kitchen and take whatever you want.

•You drink and drive a second time, it’s straight to jail for at least a year.

•Once and for all: carbs, calories or fat?

•And there goes TMZ. An order to enjoy winter

•No one gets to call himself – or anyone else – a conservative or a liberal.

•CNN, Fox News and MSNBC go off the air at 6 p.m.

•No more 34-hour-a-week “part-time” jobs.

•Bowl games again will be named after fruits and flowers, not insurance or rent-a-car companies.

•It now will be against the law to charge more than $1 for any of the following: a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, a small popcorn or a newspaper.

•These phrases will be outlawed: “blogosphere,””oh, snap!,””have a seat and someone will be with you shortly,” and “ladies and gentlemen, Adam Lambert.”

•No more powdered eggs.

•New rules for high schoolers: can’t text, can’t e-mail, can’t cell-phone. It’s called human interaction. Try it.

•If you wait more than 20 minutes for your doctor’s appointment, it’s free.

•No one cares who Jennifer Aniston dates.

•Credit card rules must be 10 words or fewer.

•The person who hired you can’t send an underling to fire you.

•If you are beaten, harassed, cheated on or abused, you cannot go on a talk show. That’s not part of the healing.

•Adults must, once a year, play in the snow.

•If the warranty won’t cover at least three years, you can’t make the product.

•Kardashians? Never heard of them.

•When you withdraw from an ATM, they give YOU a dollar for letting them hold your money.

•If you don’t say “please,” you get a noogie.

Contact MITCH ALBOM: 313-223-4581 or malbom@freepress.com. Catch “The Mitch Albom Show” 5-7 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760). Also catch “Monday Sports Albom” 7-8 p.m. Mondays on WJR. To read recent columns, go to freep.com/mitch.